- Ziggy is NOT a hound; [Gretchen’s Note: Well, to be fair, you do only have a few inches on the pack.]
- Ziggy is NOT a speed bump; [Gretchen’s Note: It was not nice of Erin’s elephant warmblood to ram into you like that, but you did manage to slow him down for Erin. Turns out tripping over ponies IS a good way to slow down big elephants!]
- Ziggy is NOT a warm up jump; [Gretchen’s Note: I know that Master at Woodford Hounds asked if he could warm his horse up over your rump before the first stone wall, but he was only half serious.]
- Ziggy is NOT a mounting block; [Gretchen’s Note: My saddle is even with other rider’s stirrups, so . . . it could work.]
- . . . and Ziggy is NOT a chin rest for the hounds! [Gretchen’s Note: That crossbred bitch was VERY wrong to do that to you.]
Just because I am only a 12.1 hand pony does not mean that everyone can treat me this way! Drat – where are my flash cards that say, “My Name is NOT Napoleon”? I need to meditate, or sneak into Gretchen’s flask.
On to more exciting matters: It’s the beginning of another hunt season! I’m so pumped, I can hardly wait. Gretchen and the other Joint Masters hired a huntsman from London, England, Andrew Bozdan, to start this season. Oh dear – I will have my work cut out for me educating this Brit on all the ins and outs of the Tennessee Valley Hunt. He will need to know about our fabulous Penn-Marydel hounds, our trappy hunt country, and of course how to hunt fox AND coyote AND boar. Whew – I’ve got a lot of work to do! [Gretchen’s Note: Don’t you dare do that! Andy’s been hunting hounds longer than you’ve been alive, little squirt. And if you make him mad, he’ll sick his two Patterdale terriers on you. Those little guys will tear you apart!]
Whatever, woman. There were some issues with his visa, but as soon as U.S. Immigration saw that he was coming to work for ME, Ziggy Pelham a.k.a. the Most Awesome Huntsman’s Horse in the World, they put his approval on the fast track! [Gretchen’s Note: Oh, put a cork in it! Where’s that island named Elba? I think you need to visit there, Little Napoleon.]
First things first: we need to get Andy’s “kit” to make sure it fits me, ‘cause he’ll surely want to ride the best Huntsman’s Horse ever. [Gretchen’s Note: We will do no such thing.] Then we need to be sure he doesn’t wear spurs, as I won’t tolerate that. [Gretchen’s Note: You not tolerating spurs will have nothing to do with it – they would get hooked on each other under your belly anyway!] And then I need to introduce him to all the hounds, especially my favorites. He needs to be sure to give extra attention and treats to my peeps. [Gretchen’s Note: I give up. Andy – be warned. I take no responsibility for the butterball emperor. Just have your terriers ready to take him out. Tell them Ziggy is an American Whale-Butt Mink. They will know what to do!]
Terriers-schmerriers. If that evil cobra couldn’t take out Rikki-Tikki-Tavi then two little fluff-ball doggies couldn’t get me! [Gretchen’s Note: Um . . . Zig Man, hate to bust your ego bubble but Kipling’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was a MONGOOSE, not a mink. And Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was very fast on his feet, while you just waddle around more like that pitiful muskrat.]
Andy, can’t wait to start hunting with ya!
Ziggy Pelham, the Most Awesome Huntsman’s Horse Ever